Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out. 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. 

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces. 

The most dangerous form of transportation is Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, it is also the fastest. 

Chuck Norris doesn't like bugs. Thats why the Beatles stopped making music. 

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, they dodge him. 

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Genies ask Chuck Norris for wishes. 
The government pays Chuck Norris taxes. 
If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris. 
Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris. 

The last time Chuck Norris cooked dinner... Jesus and the disciples had reservations. 
Before he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present, Santa Clause was real. 
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back. 

When Chuck Norris works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does. 
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. 
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out. 
Chuck Norris can make apple juice with oranges. 

America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk. 

Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money. 

The only reason Michael Phelps won so many Olympic gold medals was because Chuck Norris was chasing him. 
Chuck Norris has braille on his boots so even blind people know when it's coming. 
There is only one safe place to hide from Chuck Norris...in a bodybag. 
Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer. 
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the heck down. 
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 
Chuck Norris can speak in Morse code. 
Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his beard. 
Ninjas aren't paid to kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris kills ninjas for free. 
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
The top secret ingredient to Coca-Cola is a drop of Chuck Norris' sweat. 
Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but so will Chuck Norris. 
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved. 
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved. 
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
Chuck Norris bit the apple logo.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.